Lost, And It's Personal

I don’t know whether this is important or not. But I just wanna let it out from inside me.

This year has been a quite much unexpected to me. Somehow, I’ve been twisted. From the resolutions I have made, nothing has been accomplished. Why? I don’t give myself too much time. And it seemed, that I don’t give much to you guys either, both friends and family; both in-cyber and in-reality. Maybe jealous people will see this and say, "See, I'm right about you and about me!" I don't care anymore.

It’s the last week of August, I’m waiting for my 8^th official salary and I’m lost. Recently, I have been thinking to quit my job. I’m done as a teacher. I’m done for everything. It’s been a loss feeling that I get when the word ‘teaching’ pops in my head. I’ve lost my interest, so it’s the point where I got to stop. 2010 doesn’t go that well, as maybe I’m not being good either to myself or to others.

I’ve been so selfish and childish. Trapping myself in my own world, I lost you guys. I’m truly sorry for hurting everyone. I’m hurt, too. But, guessed, myself isn’t that important anymore.

It’s been hard for me to grow up as I was abused since childhood. Yes, I was abused and loved at the same time. That way, I learned to find a gap from any situation that choked me. For years, I’ve been pretending to be normal like others, but it just makes me more autistic than ever. Later, I was bullied. Some say I need to be myself and don’t let myself gone, but unfortunately, that statement doesn’t fit me. My existence is a mistake. I’m sorry for being there and not being there for you guys. I don’t realize that I’ve been standing on a thread.

I can’t deny that I expect too much from people around me. I thought I wouldn’t be here standing up tall without any help, as I feel tied up. Now, with everything and nothing, I’m nobody. I’m nothing.

Since today, I’m no importance, as I have let anything and anyone left me far away. I know who my friends really are, which are my friends or fiends. It’s about hypocrisy that I have hear, I fear and I bear. I’m all over it. All I need to do is getting into the game. I’m about in ‘take it or leave it’ moment.

And my illness. Yep, I’m sick. I’ve been sickly since I was a toddler. It’s a miracle that I’m still alive until I’m 20 this year. I have a heart and kidney problem. Long story about that. On the other hand, I also developed ulcer from stress. Each year, I feel even ‘blessed’. Days ago, I got another attack on my ovarian. About my mental-slate? I’ve talked to a counselor at school, and we agree that I need to see a psychologist and have a therapy. I’ve managed it. I will go for a check-up and a psycho therapy. But, first, it won’t be happening so nicely, if I don’t forgive my father and, at the same time, also open up who he is actually to my siblings who still don’t know the truth. Then, I might be peaceful doing these healing stuffs. But all of them actually … I took my sicknesses as signs that so many things I have to do, with focus and quick, as times flies too high.

So I thank to those who talk to me lately. To be honest, I’m quite feeling slapped. Hehehe… But I think I should be. I need to get over myself. It’s like reading Mitch Albom’s book back to years ago; get slapped by the other side of reality, then I cried. I was such a tearjerker, I still am.

-Reith ..and I'm only a piece of dust-